So, Daniel said I should update... fine. My throat feels like cotton and I'm under lock-down until my mother thinks I'm well enough. No more about that though, V-day is coming up. And instead of looking forward to it I'm filled with a type of dread. Don't get me wrong, I like my boyfriend and I am a little excited... but I'm not sure if what I plan is good enough and part of me gets a type of cold feet. Not the type that causes a person to run away from a relationship, just the type I silently wrestle with and makes me hide inside myself sometimes when I'm around him. It's not so bad when we're hanging out one on one, which doesn't really happen that much. I wish we did but we're both so busy. I keep telling myself that it won't always be like this... and there will be times that it's true. When we're together like that it's good, it's real good. But honestly, I feel guilty... for many reasons. One I forgot about our one month, which may not be a big deal but I was embarassed. I mean how many girls forget about that? Two I feel neglectful because I can't spend as much time with him as I'd like. (I think that needs little explanation) Three I have a good many secrets... about myself that I could NEVER tell him. As much as I might want to share some of these things with him, they are things that I would tell no one and only God knows about them. I have a lot of dark areas in my life that I could never shed light on and I've done a few things that I'm not proud of... a lot of it was done in ignorance but I can't really forgive myself for any of it. I've repented of all I've done but... Honestly, I think he can do much better than me... but for some reason I'm so selfish that all want to do is hang on to us. Even if it hurts... I don't care... I'm so selfish. In this way... I'm like Bella. I caught something good but I feel like I'm poison sometimes and other times I feel like the cure. Though the things that I've done are far in the past I can't help but look back. Yes, I'm a completely different person then I was but, no matter how far I run my guilt will always be with me. And to some people what I did may not be such a big deal to some people and it might even be forgiveable but I cry over it. I always feel so sick whenever I think... I just don't know how to forgive myself. I know God has but...
Well off of that subject, I really do want to go to church and hang out with everyone and even tried to think of ways to sneak off while my parents were off but it wouldn't be any good and they might not even leave tommorrow so... sorry kids can't make it. I opened up a lot more then I'd planned to... I don't know if I'll regret posting this or not but here goes nothing. And I really kind of feel better like I just got something off my chest.
Oh, and Bryson if you read this your not the only one who feels numb. There are times when I go numb too. What a pair we make... it's kind of laughable.
Posted by
Nicole
7 comments:
I'm pretty sure we all have dark secrets about things we've done in the past. I know I do. Something that I've learned intellectually (but, to be completely honest, I still struggle with on an emotional level) is that true friends have a way of seeing through your past to the person you are now. The person you are is not the person you were, no matter how much you may feel otherwise at times. Everyone has a dark side. It's the fight through the dark that matters.
Dang it, Russ always leaves the best comments! I can't even try to follow it. haha. Well, I don't know who you were before, but I do know who you are now: a really amazing friend and person. And Russ is right; we all know the depravity of our own souls, and it hurts. Hence the amazingness of the Christian faith. (I don't know why I don't like the word amazing..I guess because, since I use it so much, it sounds inadequate.) Anyway, feel better-we miss you!
Of course...*sigh*...only someone with my luck would have to follow Russ and Amy's comments =)
First, I forgot it was your one month too (so there). As for your past, Timon and Pumba said it best Hakuna Matata (it means no worries...for the rest of your days).
We love you, and we always will. Not for who you were, but for who you are (I feel like somebody beat me to the punch there =p).
You can't change the past, but you can learn from it. You can't be perfect, but you can do your best. You can't forget what you've done, but you can forgive what you've done. "So let mercy come and wash away...."
You are the one to talk about dark pasts? I have things that no one knows and I plan to take them to the grave with me. No one is forcing your life story. I don't care about your past because I see who you are now, and that's what matters. You can't change your past, but it is the past that affects the present which sets the mold for the future. I am who I am because of your dark past. I may hate it, but I'm kinda thankful because it sheds light on who you are and what type of person you are. Take those feelings and use them to keep you from being the person you hated being. Let them be a reminder of someone you are not anymore, not as a reminder of someone you were (try changing the perspective). I'm not great with words... never was. What I'm trying to say is don't let your past bring you down. I know we've been doing a horrible job of hanging out together. We need to change that. Don't worry, it's just being sick. Well, sorry for the novel of a post. And congrats this is the first comment on anyone's post that I ever made since I had this blog.
Should I like oranges? isn't orange soda enough?
I do.... I eat salads, drink water, and other stuff. I'm not completely unhealthy.... but I love orange soda... that stuff is good.
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