Citadel for the Broken

So, Daniel said I should update... fine. My throat feels like cotton and I'm under lock-down until my mother thinks I'm well enough. No more about that though, V-day is coming up. And instead of looking forward to it I'm filled with a type of dread. Don't get me wrong, I like my boyfriend and I am a little excited... but I'm not sure if what I plan is good enough and part of me gets a type of cold feet. Not the type that causes a person to run away from a relationship, just the type I silently wrestle with and makes me hide inside myself sometimes when I'm around him. It's not so bad when we're hanging out one on one, which doesn't really happen that much. I wish we did but we're both so busy. I keep telling myself that it won't always be like this... and there will be times that it's true. When we're together like that it's good, it's real good. But honestly, I feel guilty... for many reasons. One I forgot about our one month, which may not be a big deal but I was embarassed. I mean how many girls forget about that? Two I feel neglectful because I can't spend as much time with him as I'd like. (I think that needs little explanation) Three I have a good many secrets... about myself that I could NEVER tell him. As much as I might want to share some of these things with him, they are things that I would tell no one and only God knows about them. I have a lot of dark areas in my life that I could never shed light on and I've done a few things that I'm not proud of... a lot of it was done in ignorance but I can't really forgive myself for any of it. I've repented of all I've done but... Honestly, I think he can do much better than me... but for some reason I'm so selfish that all want to do is hang on to us. Even if it hurts... I don't care... I'm so selfish. In this way... I'm like Bella. I caught something good but I feel like I'm poison sometimes and other times I feel like the cure. Though the things that I've done are far in the past I can't help but look back. Yes, I'm a completely different person then I was but, no matter how far I run my guilt will always be with me. And to some people what I did may not be such a big deal to some people and it might even be forgiveable but I cry over it. I always feel so sick whenever I think... I just don't know how to forgive myself. I know God has but...
Well off of that subject, I really do want to go to church and hang out with everyone and even tried to think of ways to sneak off while my parents were off but it wouldn't be any good and they might not even leave tommorrow so... sorry kids can't make it. I opened up a lot more then I'd planned to... I don't know if I'll regret posting this or not but here goes nothing. And I really kind of feel better like I just got something off my chest.

Oh, and Bryson if you read this your not the only one who feels numb. There are times when I go numb too. What a pair we make... it's kind of laughable.