So, I really thought my last entry would be my last but lo and behold it is not. I know it's been awhile but bear with me and read my train of thought for those of you who still read and if that's one at then whatever, that's fine.
Well, I'm pleased to say that I am doing better in school (yay!), I have also become very reflective on myself and what I want. I'm putting a lot of things to rest and coming to terms with the fact that a chapter in my life has come to a close and the words of an old friend sound true in my ear, "remember the good times and smile" and that's all I can do. I'm also starting to redefine who I am (again) it's good for personal growth I think. I am learning to be patient and wait through the pain I feel sometimes.
More random thoughts that I'd like to share right now are:
I'm adicted to spider solitaire
I am developing a taste for Sonata Arctica
I need to set goals for myself
I really kind of want school to start back now (I know I'm a square)
Well. I'll try to make my next entry not suck so bad and little more thoughtful and indepth... it's a good writting exercise.
So I haven't blogged in a long time. I'd feel bad about it but I'm too busy wishing Youtube would come up.... Well, life has certainly become very interesting right now I'm working on three new writting projects and I'm very happy about that because it helps me cope with various misfortunes. I guess right now you could say art is my lover... I'm still working on a few character sketches for one story, it's high time I started on another story and I'm struggling through writting lyrics which is what I seem to be concentrating the most on.
I feel jaded, not in a bad way though because I feel like I'm growing as a person and even if I hate some of the things that are happening in some way I'm grateful for them. I actually talk to God about things that he wants for me and not just what I want I'm not too sure what exactly he's been trying to say to me lately but I'm trying to figure all this out. I guess he's breaking me down so instead of my "I don't care what you want for me and I didn't really ask" attitude I'm little more ready to listen. And that's probably to most spiritual/religious thing you'll hear me say all year.
The other night I awoke from a very confusing nightmare. I shook all over and I wasn't really sure why I was so scared. In the middle of all this I found myself wishing I had a dream catcher, so I wouldn't have such terrible dreams. It's a laughable thought, but it gave me inspiration for a story that I worked on briefly that morning before a couple of my classes (and during). I haven't really worked on the character sketches for the story which will be a good project for today :). I find that some of my happiest moments are when I have a story to work on that I'm excited about and this one will be a bit of an experiment since I intend on making it a sort of a thriller/horror story. (Probably more thriller than horror because I don't think I can cook up anything very scary) It's kind of a test run... but the story centers around a girl who has owned a Dream Catcher since she was a little girl. It was a gift from a childhood friend that she has lost touch with but still remembers her friend very fondly. The Dream Catcher has comforted her since she's had but one day it breaks and she begins to have terrible nightmares and she has to make journey through her dreams to find the spider woman, who protects man kind from the evil spirits who torment mankind while they sleep. I'm not too sure how this will end but I have my ideas... I think part of this is from having a small preoccupation with Silent Hill...
Anyway my freshmen year at college is almost done. It seemed to take so long at first and now that it's almost over I'm shocked.... I never expected to get this far this fast. Life seems to be going so quickly and I feel so dizzy from it all. I really have to buckle down and concentrate during this last month of school (and before I know it I'll have graduated, started a life and then I'll die... WOW!). The good news is that summer is coming and promises loads of fun, or at least I hope that's what it's promising... Summer is most definitely going to be busy if nothing else: job, summer classes; friends... Parties! Yeah, life is hard and short but good... I think.
Well, I'm tired of writing and I really have more important things that I should be doing, like school work.
So I'm updating again. (Yay) Once again I don't really have a plan at all, fasten your seat belts there's no telling where this will go. I suppose talking about my life is something I can do all for your viewing pleasure.
Well, I am currently in my first romantic relationship, I've only been with him for two months and we've both met each others families. Not because we are nescisarily serious about each other but more or less for kicks. Don't get me wrong. I don't take him or my relationship lightly, it's just not at the stage of I am going to permenatly stuck with this person for the rest of my life. So it was just like an introduction, a "hi mom and dad this is so and so. " Nothing more. When people refer to me being with him they notice that I care. Yup, I am a softy, sometimes. I don't think that I'll fall a part if we break up though, but maybe I'll suprise myself and cry. Maybe. My mother said something along the lines of "You love him." I looked at her and chuckled, "I don't know about that. Let's call it strong like." So no love just strong like. That's my story and I'm sticking with it. If he really wants to hear that word, the L word he'll have to drag it out of me... and not in another language. That's cheating.
Well I'm tired of writing bye!
So I haven't updated in awhile, as Daniel has pointed out to me over and over. Sorry, I know you asked me not to mention you but at least I'm listening to you when you say update (sometimes anyway)... and you can't expect too much out of me.... Well, it's one in the morning and I'm listening to the ever so fabulous song Time in a Bottle, for those of you who have not heard it look it up on youtube and give it a listen. Yeah, it's a sappy love-ish song but hey I like it and it's a total classic.
Anyway I've had several different ideas for an update and I even tried to write one out but it ran into the ground, so you pretty much just have me rambling on with nothing particularly deep or thoughtful to say. Most of my thoughts these days are too preoccupied to be very deep.
I'm pretty sure that Blue Like Jazz is one of the best books that I've ever read, that my boyfriend's job is a nesscisary evil and that I secretly (well maybe it's not so secret now) daydream about stealing him, kicking his employer in his face for making him work forty hours a week and not giving him a larger raise. I also think that I shouldn't write these things late at night and completely unplanned because I'm probably going to get myself in trouble some way.
So with that I conclude this entry, laters.
So, Daniel said I should update... fine. My throat feels like cotton and I'm under lock-down until my mother thinks I'm well enough. No more about that though, V-day is coming up. And instead of looking forward to it I'm filled with a type of dread. Don't get me wrong, I like my boyfriend and I am a little excited... but I'm not sure if what I plan is good enough and part of me gets a type of cold feet. Not the type that causes a person to run away from a relationship, just the type I silently wrestle with and makes me hide inside myself sometimes when I'm around him. It's not so bad when we're hanging out one on one, which doesn't really happen that much. I wish we did but we're both so busy. I keep telling myself that it won't always be like this... and there will be times that it's true. When we're together like that it's good, it's real good. But honestly, I feel guilty... for many reasons. One I forgot about our one month, which may not be a big deal but I was embarassed. I mean how many girls forget about that? Two I feel neglectful because I can't spend as much time with him as I'd like. (I think that needs little explanation) Three I have a good many secrets... about myself that I could NEVER tell him. As much as I might want to share some of these things with him, they are things that I would tell no one and only God knows about them. I have a lot of dark areas in my life that I could never shed light on and I've done a few things that I'm not proud of... a lot of it was done in ignorance but I can't really forgive myself for any of it. I've repented of all I've done but... Honestly, I think he can do much better than me... but for some reason I'm so selfish that all want to do is hang on to us. Even if it hurts... I don't care... I'm so selfish. In this way... I'm like Bella. I caught something good but I feel like I'm poison sometimes and other times I feel like the cure. Though the things that I've done are far in the past I can't help but look back. Yes, I'm a completely different person then I was but, no matter how far I run my guilt will always be with me. And to some people what I did may not be such a big deal to some people and it might even be forgiveable but I cry over it. I always feel so sick whenever I think... I just don't know how to forgive myself. I know God has but...
Well off of that subject, I really do want to go to church and hang out with everyone and even tried to think of ways to sneak off while my parents were off but it wouldn't be any good and they might not even leave tommorrow so... sorry kids can't make it. I opened up a lot more then I'd planned to... I don't know if I'll regret posting this or not but here goes nothing. And I really kind of feel better like I just got something off my chest.
Oh, and Bryson if you read this your not the only one who feels numb. There are times when I go numb too. What a pair we make... it's kind of laughable.
Yeah, so I said that I would write at least two posts a month.... for those of you who think that it's too little, I may up it eventually but don't push your luck. Anyway I'm pretty sure that I have a cold, I know for a fact that I felt terrible at work. They put me on register I despise register and my job but that's beside the point. I was on it for a little while... okay along while.... and in walks Mr. and Mrs. Griffin with their two precious little girls. Well I took there order and Mr. Griffin made a comment about how I didn't look too enthusiastic about my job. He joked around with me and made me laugh a little, it braught back old memories... I remembered how he use to push me in training and how strong I use to feel (and probably was) thanks to him. I really kinda felt like I had somehow let him down... well Mrs. waited around for the drinks and stuff and talked to me about the school and I ask her about the Tae Kwon Do academy. I told her that I did miss going to class there and explained why I couldn't really come back right now. She did encourage me to pick it back up... Mrs. Griffin also said that I should come work at the academy, as much as I'd like to it wouldn't pay as much on the other hand I wouldn't hate my job or my employers just the opposite actually... I'd be quite fond of it all... I couldn't help but feel a strange type of home sickness after talking to the two of them. Alot of times the academy was a type of sanctuary, it was a place that I go to work things out emotionally and was the place I went to get out of the house when I was less social... Well, that's all for now I guess.
Yeah, so I'm going to make good on my promise and do two blogs a month. So, today was/is my first day of school and I have five classes today. (Boo) So far I've had two classes New Testament and Christian Perspective... Okay I'm totally addicted to Rock Band... I have most of the songs stuck in my head and I sing them and I listen to the songs on youtube that I don't know so I can sing them better, it's pretty much rediculous. Anyway I forgot where I was going with this so I'm just going to stop talking right now... and I'm pretty much just tired... so this is really short and I'm sorry that it sucks.
